No family plans on a divorce separating them, but when it happens there are resources available to make the transition as smooth as possible. The most vulnerable and easily upset are usually the youngest members of the family. Here are three strategies for helping children cope with their parents' divorce.
Perhaps the most important asset a child can have is the listening ear of a trusted adult. Bear in mind that this listener does not have to be - and in some cases, should not be - a parent. A teacher, neighbor, extended family member, or friend's parent can also be a powerful friend to a child who is hurting.
Kids may not want to open up or talk right away, and some children will process the change internally before they're ready to confide in someone else. Don't force a child to talk about their feelings, but ensure they know they have listeners available when they're ready. It may also help to set up a time for your child to be with another adult at regular intervals in the meantime.
If a child does not already have a close relationship with a trusted adult, try sharing the family situation with a teacher, school counselor, or pediatrician. These figures will also know about more resources that may benefit the child and can care better for their student or patient when they know the full circumstances.
Remember that as a newly single parent, divorced parents need a wider team of support for themselves and their kids. Now is a great time to start building that network by fostering trusted relationships with your child's other adult caregivers.
Sometimes kids just need to take their mind off of the tension and family change going on around them. An outlet that lets them express their talent or interest in a constructive way can be a great coping mechanism for children who won't otherwise express their true feelings.
Art, music, and sports are perfect outlets for kids to blow off steam, interact with their emotions in a constructive way, and concentrate on an activity that makes them feel good. Explore extracurricular activities or clubs in your area, and bear in mind that these groups don't need to be expensive. It could be as simple as inviting some friends over for a backyard soccer game.
Aside from exercising their physical and creative selves, these kinds of outlets are also good social communities for a child who may feel like their home community is being split apart. Taking joy in painting a picture, singing in a chorus, or passing a basketball to a friend will remind them that there is still plenty of fun to be had.
Every child will react differently to their family's new changes and rhythms, and those reactions will even look different among siblings. Do not assume that because a child does not want to talk about or even acknowledge the divorce means they have nothing to say about it. One of the most important gifts parents can give their children is time and space to process.
Routines and patterns help children feel secure in their daily lives, and a divorce inherently changes some of those routines, introducing new ones. Reassure children that it is okay to express anger, sadness, disappointment, and frustration at these changes.
Give children a space where they can be themselves - it may be their own bedroom, a playground, the soccer field, or lost in a good book. At the end of the day, children whose parents are going through a divorce need to know that they are still loved and cherished and their needs will be met. In time, they will adjust to the new patterns of daily life if given the opportunity.
For more information and legal counsel on helping families through divorce,
contact Mary E. Papcke, Attorney at Law.
